When we think about the early stages of attraction, what typically comes to mind?

As much as we love to believe it is the fuzzies, the deep interest in each other’s wellbeing, character, and mutual interest; If history serves as a reference, the following often live at the top (if anything else) of our checklist:

• Is he/she attractive?

• Physical proportions—be it male or female 😉

• Can he/she perform?

• The first kiss.

• The first time.

• How much do you make?

• Where do you work?

• Can he/she be a good provider?

• Social status.

• What do you drive?

• Where do you live?

—Sex and resources. These two factors often serve as the primary "cues" when people begin searching for a partner. Why? Because they signal immediate, tangible compatibility—sex speaks to physical attraction, and resources, such as financial stability, suggest security.

It’s easy to believe that the search for a mate is driven by deeper qualities like personality, intellect, or shared values, but in reality, much of our initial choice is often influenced by these more primal factors. The subconscious pull of a partner's ability to provide (whether emotionally, physically, or materially) and the sexual chemistry we feel often dominate in the early phases of attraction.

This might feel uncomfortable to admit—after all, we like to think of love as something pure and transcendent, built on emotional bonds and intellectual compatibility. But the reality is that sex and resources play a foundational role in many relationships, even if we don't openly acknowledge it.

Sex as a Cue
When we’re young, sexual attraction is frequently the initial spark that draws people together. It’s natural and biological—chemistry and physical connection form the base of our desire to engage with someone. But here’s where it gets interesting: over time, sex itself doesn’t always maintain the same level of importance. Many people assume that initial physical attraction will carry the weight of long-term satisfaction, but relationships often shift away from the purely physical as time goes on.

Resources as a Cue
Similarly, resources (whether it’s money, stability, or social standing) often serve as indicators of a “good match.” We’re drawn to people who can provide or share in our sense of security. This is where financial status comes into play, not just because it’s about money, but because resources symbolize the capacity to build a life together. In many ways, this echoes our evolutionary past, where survival depended on selecting mates who had access to resources.

The truth is, we’ve been conditioned—through culture, biology, and society—to use sex and resources as our primary signals for compatibility. They act as shorthand for attractiveness and security. But here’s where it gets tricky: what happens when those things fade? And yes, they can (resources) and will (sex) fade.

Let’s question what we believe. Are these cues the foundation of lasting love? If someone loses their physical attractiveness or their wealth, does love inevitably fade? Most people would quickly say “no,” but how can that be the case if we have used the two as the cornerstones of love? If we base love on things that are bound to disappear, is our relationship bound to not exist (eventually)?

By beginning to ask these questions, we open up the conversation about why relationships often struggle when the foundational "cues" begin to shift. It challenges the notion that physical and material qualities are the bedrock of love, and that brings us to the heart of the discussion.

The Fragility of Physical and Material Foundations

Once we’ve established that sex and resources are often the initial "cues" for forming connections, the next question naturally follows: what happens when those foundations weaken? The hard truth is that physical attraction and financial stability, no matter how strong at the outset, are bound to shift over time.

Physical Attraction Fades
Let’s face it—no one stays in peak physical form forever. Bodies change with age, health fluctuates, and the once-overpowering sexual chemistry can evolve into something quieter, more subtle. While it’s romantic to believe that love transcends the physical, the reality is that relationships that lean too heavily on sexual attraction can struggle when that attraction fades. A partner who was once the center of your desire may no longer trigger those same feelings. Without a deeper connection, that initial spark can burn out fast.

Resources Can Be Lost
Then there’s the question of resources. We live in an unpredictable world, and financial stability is not always permanent. The partner who seemed like a provider and a pillar of security could face job loss, financial instability, or career changes. If your relationship is built on the idea of one partner being a breadwinner or offering security, what happens when that security vanishes? Does the love weaken alongside it? This scenario is all too real for many couples who face financial hardships and find their relationship cracks under pressure.

—In Love with Myself

A good way to think about relationships that are built on resources is to imagine this: the person isn’t so much in love with their partner, but rather, with the version of themselves they can be because of their partner’s resources. The luxury, the social status, the lifestyle—all of it shapes their sense of identity. They’re not in love with the person, but with the life that person enables. When the resources fade, so does the idealized version of themselves.

Romanticized Stability

We like to believe love can survive anything, but the truth is, that physical and material changes can shake the very foundation of a relationship. If the connection was built on these fragile pillars, the cracks would eventually show. The reality is that sex and resources, while essential in certain phases of a relationship, are inherently fleeting. Love based solely on these things is destined to be tested.

So, where does that leave us? When the cues we use to identify love begin to falter, does the relationship crumble along with them? It’s a sobering thought, but one that forces us to question the depth and sustainability of our partnerships. Are we building on solid ground, or are we laying the groundwork for future disappointment?

What We Should Be Looking For

Now that we've explored the fleeting nature of sex and resources, it's time to ask the deeper question: What should we really be looking for in a partner?

If physical attraction and financial stability are destined to wane, what qualities form the bedrock of a truly lasting relationship? The answer lies beyond the surface-level cues of attraction and lifestyle.

Emotional Connection
A relationship grounded in emotional intimacy is more likely to endure life’s inevitable changes. Mutual understanding, deep communication, and vulnerability form the foundation of a connection that isn’t easily shaken. When physical attraction dims or financial stability wavers, couples who share an emotional bond have the tools to weather those storms together. It’s about more than just liking how someone looks or what they can offer—it’s about genuinely understanding and supporting who they are.

Shared Values and Goals
Another key to lasting relationships is aligning values and long-term goals. Physical attraction might spark the flame, but shared values are what keep it burning. When couples share a vision for their future—whether it’s building a family, pursuing similar career aspirations, or even having aligned views on social and moral issues—they’re more likely to remain connected despite external changes. A relationship rooted in common beliefs fosters growth, not division, even when challenges arise.

Mutual Respect and Growth
Respect is a non-negotiable foundation in any partnership. But respect goes beyond being kind or polite—it’s about honoring your partner’s individuality and supporting their personal growth. Long-lasting relationships are those where each partner feels free to grow and evolve without fear of being left behind. The ability to grow individually while still growing together is a hallmark of a healthy relationship. Without it, you risk one person outgrowing the other.

Companionship Over Lust
While sexual attraction may initially pull people together, companionship keeps them together. The day-to-day life you build with someone—how you communicate, spend time, and solve problems—forms the core of a meaningful partnership. It’s not just about passion; it’s about enjoying each other’s company and finding peace in the quiet moments. When the initial spark fades, companionship endures.

So, what should we be looking for? Emotional depth, shared values, mutual respect, and companionship—these are the pillars of a relationship that usually withstand the test of time. They’re the things that remain when the physical attraction fades or resources dwindle. They’re not flashy or sexy, but maybe, just maybe, that’s the secret to finding a relationship that lasts.

Sincerely,
Adam

Now, before you shrug this off as easy, give it some thought. Ask enough men, and you'll get an array of answers, hinting at an underlying truth: men’s desires are rarely explored because society doesn’t bother to ask. Doesn’t make it any clearer though. Meanwhile, the question ( and so called answers ) about women’s desires are everywhere, and would make it seem like the ultimate enigma.

But why is this question everywhere? Marketers might say it’s because women are loyal consumers and brand ambassadors, so understanding their psyche makes perfect sense. Ask anyone in the dating scene, though, and it’s because men are often chasing women’s attention (you are fantastic, ladies!), trying to score those elusive "points."

Gifts, Rights, and Unspoken Wants

Women, whether vocal or reserved about their desires, are often caught in a social dynamic where their needs are catered to in hopes of securing their favor. Men, on the other hand, openly express their desires—sometimes a bit too loudly—because they’ve been taught to view their actions as investments, expecting returns in money, power, attention, or affection.

Women, however, are culturally conditioned to believe that their desires should be met as gifts, even though they might be merited. Sometimes, gifts seem to hold more value than anything earned—ever heard of someone sending themselves flowers just to spark a reaction?

Asking outright is seen as immodest, leaving guesswork in its place. And so, we ask: What do women want? Spoiler: I’ll tell you what it is, but here's the catch—you can’t satisfy it. (No one can.)

So, What Do We Really Want?

First and foremost—yes, you heard that right: We. The answer is universal—men, women, children—it applies to us all.

We want what we don’t have. Or at least, what we think we don’t have; it’s all about perception. Your parents may love you, but if you don’t feel it, you’ll still crave that love.

Give her a car; she wants a plane. Give him a plane; he wants two. Throw it away, and we want it back. Get it back, and suddenly, who needs it?

The answer isn’t tied to a specific thing; it's about desire itself. You can’t crave what you already believe you possess. It’s the anticipation, the thrill of the unknown, that fuels desire. The moment you attain it, the longing shifts elsewhere.

The Carrot at the End of the String

Let’s break it down with some relatable scenarios:

• Career vs. Home: The career-focused woman sometimes fantasizes about the slow mornings of a stay-at-home mom. Meanwhile, the stay-at-home mom longs for the independence and excitement of a career.

• Opposite Partner Types: Men in calm, stable relationships often find themselves drawn to the adventurous, unpredictable type. Meanwhile, those with strong, outspoken partners dream of the simplicity and quiet of a more easygoing companion.

• Single vs. Taken: The singles imagine the warmth of a committed relationship, while those in relationships look back wistfully at the freedom of single-hood.

• Urban vs. Rural: City dwellers crave the tranquility of rural life, while country folk romanticize the energy and opportunity of the city.

• More: Yes, sweet and simple. You could have exactly what you thought you wanted, but why settle for one when you can have two... or three? (Most men know exactly what I’m talking about. 😉)

The Never-Ending Cycle of Wanting

The problem isn’t about being ungrateful or unsatisfied; it’s about the nature of desire. When we get what we think we want, the thrill fades, and our gaze shifts to the next unknown. It’s a cycle: wanting, attaining, losing interest, and then wanting again.

The want and the have are basically opposites. Let us return to our original question as an exercise ( Don’t forget this will apply to men too, even if we might act as if it doesn’t ).

It’s frustrating to men because they trick themselves into thinking that meeting a particular need will end the cycle of wanting. With this one wish magically at hand, they have now unlocked the ability to make women happy and attached to keep said necessity met. But women, like all people, are complex beings—and wanting is not conditioned to any one thing, but to all that we lack and desire, effectively a moving target dictated by what seems most relevant at the time.

The Bottom Line

So, what do really we want? The answer is simple but profound: we want what we don’t have. It’s this endless chase that keeps us churning. The want lives in the future, our reality lives in the now, and so should our happiness. If we recognize this, we might stop chasing for the sake of chasing and start making choices based on what truly fulfills us. And maybe, just maybe, that's the real key to understanding not just what women want—but what all of us desire.

Sincerely,
Adam

• Unlimited Warm Fuzzies: Comes pre-packaged with affection, butterflies, and all the good morning texts you could ask for.

• Long-Term Stability: Promising to keep the spark alive through life’s ups, downs, and Netflix marathons.

• Soulmate Guarantee: Find “The One,” your perfectly imperfect partner for life.

• Social Seal of Approval: Earn your shiny societal gold star just by signing up for monogamy.

• Cheating: That’s right! It may be in the small print, but available never the less. You also get access to the official side quest of the Monogamy game—infidelity. Because let’s face it, you can't really cheat if you aren’t locked into a relationship, can you?

Here’s the thing: cheating isn’t a glitch in monogamy—it’s practically a feature. It’s baked into the very framework of the system. After all, if you never agreed to exclusivity, where’s the betrayal? Monogamy sets the rules, but the allure of breaking them is part of the package.

The Problem with Exclusivity

The real problem isn’t love, or even commitment—it’s the need to promise sexual exclusivity. This promise is treated as a cornerstone of monogamy, but it’s also the very thing that breeds temptation. Think about it: if you were free to have sex with whomever you wanted, could you not still remain in a committed, meaningful relationship with someone? Exclusivity isn’t the glue that holds relationships together; in fact, it often creates the very temptations that lead to infidelity.

What if we lifted that burden? Suddenly, the forbidden wouldn’t be so alluring. The paradox of the “Prohibited Unknown”—the idea that what you can’t have is somehow more desirable—would disappear. You’d be left with only conscious choice.

Life is not an R rated clip—where as soon as you are open to freedom of possibilities, the milk man will show up without a shirt. Life continues as it always does. As human beings, wired for convenience and pleasure, we tend to take the linear ( fastest most accesible ) solution to our needs. Our lifestyle choices might actually look a lot like this:

• Feeling That special tingly sensation 😉

• Why go out and seek sex elsewhere when my partner is right here, willing and ready?

• Is my partner not available right now? Do I want this bad enough to seek elsewhere ( Self satisfaction is always at hand )?

• I really want this—and it’s okay to have it.

The key is in choice, not compulsion. When there’s no invisible boundary pushing you toward the temptation of the unknown, your choices become much more grounded in reality. Suddenly, the allure of cheating fades because there’s no rule telling you that you can’t. What you’re left with is your honest, unfiltered desire—whether it’s to stay, to explore, or to be satisfied with what’s right in front of you.

To (Ch)eat or not to Eat

Remember when candy was the forbidden fruit as kids? Our parents would say “no,” which only made it more irresistible. When we would manage to get our hands on it, we just couldn’t get enough. Fast forward to adulthood—candy is just another option on the shelf. For some, it’s still a guilty pleasure, but for most, it’s something we only occasionally indulge in, if at all. The thrill fades when it’s no longer forbidden, and so does the compulsion to binge.

It’s not that we won’t choose to enjoy a night out—it’s that the choice would now be an honest one, driven by desire rather than mounting pressure.

Monogamy: The Ultimate Sales Pitch?

Despite its flaws, monogamy continues to be sold as the ultimate life goal. Why? Because society has convinced us that “The One” is the answer to everything. But the reality is more complicated. You can love someone deeply, but still feel attraction, curiosity, or desire for someone else. Monogamy doesn’t account for the complexity of human desires, which is why cheating feels like a natural (albeit forbidden) response to an unnatural expectation.

Cheating isn’t about love—it’s normally just about sex with other people. And when monogamy demands exclusivity, it creates the very conditions that make infidelity so common. If we could strip away the burden of sexual exclusivity, we’d be left with a much clearer understanding of what we truly want. The forbidden would no longer be tantalizing; it would simply be another option on the table.

The Bottom Line

Monogamy isn’t broken, but it is flawed. I am able to see individuals wanting to be exclusive to each other, as an ongoing daily choice; And where there is want, who needs obligation. The real issue isn’t commitment or love—it’s the unnecessary rule of exclusivity. By promising sexual exclusivity, monogamy creates temptation; Lift that burden, you’re left with choice—and maybe, just maybe, that’s the real key to lasting commitment.

Sincerely,
Adam

Interesting enough (and this might surprise to Marie and everyone watching the film), here’s what’s happening right under our noses: he’s also never gonna leave you either—well, unless, of course, a better prospect comes along. But more on that in a minute.

People that look for mistresses or lovers have permanent roles they are looking to fill in their lives:

• Official Partner (Wife/Husband)

• Unofficial Partner (Mistress/Lover)

When we seek out lovers or mistresses we aren’t just filling an emotional void. We are covering roles in our lives that, let’s face it, seem to come with permanent job openings. There’s the official partner (you know, the one with a mortgage and joint Netflix account) and the unofficial partner (the one who gets the spontaneous weekend getaway to a boutique hotel). These positions aren’t temporary—they’re part of a system. And this system is something people keep running, year after year.

Marie, sweet Marie, thought she’d be in the clear if she took over as the official partner. No more competition, right? Well, not quite. The minute you step into the “wife” role, you’re just filling one job slot and leaving the “mistress” role vacant for someone else. Someone younger or shinier ? you ask—nope… just different. The truth is, the mistress isn’t a replacement for the wife. The wife and the mistress are different lanes in the same game.

“On the side seems to be a very big thing for alot of us 😉.” Harry was talking about ordering food, of course, but let’s be real, we are not talking about variety in your order; it's about variety in your intimate life.

Some people need more than one partner the same way they need options on a menu. It’s not a failure of the main relationship—it’s an acknowledgment that one person might not meet all their emotional or physical needs. Just like ordering a sandwich but asking for the dressing on the side, some people crave stability with a side of adventure. It’s baked into their nature.

So next time someone tells you ‘he’s never gonna leave her,’ just remember—he’s not leaving you, either. Not because you're irreplaceable, but because in his buffet of life, you’re just one dish among many. And hey, for some people, that’s just their idea of a balanced diet.

Sincerely,
Adam

Cue the immortal words of Tina Turner: “What’s love got to do, got to do with it?” The answer, at least historically speaking, is a lot, if you subscribe to certain religious views. But in today’s world, for many, the answer is: not much at all.

The Religious Roots of Love and Sex

For much of history, religious doctrines have painted a very particular picture of love and sex—a picture in which the two are supposed to be intertwined, sacred, and, for the most part, exclusive to monogamous marriage. In Christianity, for example, sex is considered the physical expression of love within the sanctity of marriage, symbolizing a spiritual and emotional union that cannot be separated. In Islam, marriage is also seen as a contract not only of love but of sexual rights and responsibilities. Even Hinduism, with its deep explorations of love in texts like the Kama Sutra, still largely reserves sex for the married, the sacred, and the spiritual.

But here's the thing: just like we have a multitude of religions, each with their own ideas about life and divinity, people have different concepts of love and sex. For some, love is an emotion that fuels sexual desire, while for others, sex is purely a physical experience that doesn’t need to be bound by romantic love. If religion serves as a map for how we navigate relationships, it’s no wonder that people have different routes when it comes to mixing love and sex.

Tina Turner once asked, "Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"—and while she was singing about the perils of romantic love, she was unintentionally hitting on a broader truth: sex doesn’t always require love. Many religious teachings would have you believe that the two are intrinsically linked, but for many, sex and love can exist in entirely separate spheres. Sometimes, all people want is the pleasure without the emotional complexity—and that's where things start to deviate from the traditional narratives spun by religious institutions.

Sex Without Love?

Let’s face it—people have been engaging in sex without love for centuries, and society hasn’t collapsed (well, not yet). This isn’t just about rebellion; it’s about acknowledging that physical connection can satisfy biological needs without requiring the emotional or spiritual union that many religions preach. Sex can simply be an act of pleasure, exploration, or connection—devoid of any deeper emotional commitment.

In some religious frameworks, this would be seen as a transgression—a separation of body from soul. But for many people today, it’s not about transgression at all. It’s about honesty. The body has its needs, and sometimes, those needs don’t align with the emotional or spiritual aspects of love. To them, the “sin” isn’t in seeking out sex without love—it’s in pretending that love must always accompany it.

So, when Tina asks, “What’s love got to do with it?” for some, the answer is clear: nothing at all. It’s about mutual pleasure, plain and simple.

Love Without Sex?

On the flip side, many people find themselves in relationships where love thrives even in the absence of physical intimacy. This is where the cultural expectation that love and sex must always go hand in hand falls apart. There are countless examples—religious and otherwise—of deep emotional bonds that are never consummated physically.

Think of celibate priests, Buddhist monks, or devout followers of certain sects of Hinduism. For them, love is an emotional or spiritual connection that has no need for sex. It’s about devotion, not desire. Even within secular relationships, some people find that they can love deeply without feeling the need to express it sexually. Love becomes about companionship, trust, and shared experiences rather than physical acts. And that’s perfectly valid.

So, What’s the Verdict?

At the end of the day, love and sex are two distinct entities that can co-exist, but they don’t have to. The real trick is figuring out what kind of relationship you want—and being honest about it. For some, love and sex are forever intertwined, as their religious or cultural background might suggest. For others, love is an emotion, and sex is an act—and the two don’t always meet on the same road.

In the end, it’s all about being true to what you need in a relationship. Maybe you want both. Maybe you only want one. The key is understanding that neither choice is wrong. You don’t have to be a hopeless romantic to enjoy intimacy, and you don’t have to be emotionally detached to embrace love. It’s your relationship, your rules.

So next time Tina Turner belts out, "What’s love but a second-hand emotion?" you might just find yourself nodding along. Maybe love and sex don’t need to share the same bed. Maybe we need to stop looking at relationships as fixed formulas, dictated by ancient texts and societal norms, and admit that love and sex can—in most situations—live very separate lives.

Sincerely,
Adam