Misreading the Signs. The Fragile Foundations of Love
Love may promise depth, but we make sure to keep it shallow
Sex and Resources as Initial Identifiers
When we think about the early stages of attraction, what typically comes to mind?
As much as we love to believe it is the fuzzies, the deep interest in each other’s wellbeing, character, and mutual interest; If history serves as a reference, the following often live at the top (if anything else) of our checklist:
Is he/she attractive?
Physical proportions—be it male or female 😉
Can he/she perform?
The first kiss.
The first time.
How much do you make?
Where do you work?
Can he/she be a good provider?
Social status.
What do you drive?
Where do you live?
—Sex and resources. These two factors often serve as the primary "cues" when people begin searching for a partner. Why? Because they signal immediate, tangible compatibility—sex speaks to physical attraction, and resources, such as financial stability, suggest security.
It’s easy to believe that the search for a mate is driven by deeper qualities like personality, intellect, or shared values, but in reality, much of our initial choice is often influenced by these more primal factors. The subconscious pull of a partner's ability to provide (whether emotionally, physically, or materially) and the sexual chemistry we feel often dominate in the early phases of attraction.
This might feel uncomfortable to admit—after all, we like to think of love as something pure and transcendent, built on emotional bonds and intellectual compatibility. But the reality is that sex and resources play a foundational role in many relationships, even if we don't openly acknowledge it.
Sex as a Cue
When we’re young, sexual attraction is frequently the initial spark that draws people together. It’s natural and biological—chemistry and physical connection form the base of our desire to engage with someone. But here’s where it gets interesting: over time, sex itself doesn’t always maintain the same level of importance. Many people assume that initial physical attraction will carry the weight of long-term satisfaction, but relationships often shift away from the purely physical as time goes on.
Resources as a Cue
Similarly, resources (whether it’s money, stability, or social standing) often serve as indicators of a “good match.” We’re drawn to people who can provide or share in our sense of security. This is where financial status comes into play, not just because it’s about money, but because resources symbolize the capacity to build a life together. In many ways, this echoes our evolutionary past, where survival depended on selecting mates who had access to resources.
The truth is, we’ve been conditioned—through culture, biology, and society—to use sex and resources as our primary signals for compatibility. They act as shorthand for attractiveness and security. But here’s where it gets tricky: what happens when those things fade? And yes, they can (resources) and will (sex) fade.
Let’s question what we believe. Are these cues the foundation of lasting love? If someone loses their physical attractiveness or their wealth, does love inevitably fade? Most people would quickly say “no,” but how can that be the case if we have used the two as the cornerstones of love? If we base love on things that are bound to disappear, is our relationship bound to not exist (eventually)?
By beginning to ask these questions, we open up the conversation about why relationships often struggle when the foundational "cues" begin to shift. It challenges the notion that physical and material qualities are the bedrock of love, and that brings us to the heart of the discussion.
The Fragility of Physical and Material Foundations
Once we’ve established that sex and resources are often the initial "cues" for forming connections, the next question naturally follows: what happens when those foundations weaken? The hard truth is that physical attraction and financial stability, no matter how strong at the outset, are bound to shift over time.
Physical Attraction Fades
Let’s face it—no one stays in peak physical form forever. Bodies change with age, health fluctuates, and the once-overpowering sexual chemistry can evolve into something quieter, more subtle. While it’s romantic to believe that love transcends the physical, the reality is that relationships that lean too heavily on sexual attraction can struggle when that attraction fades. A partner who was once the center of your desire may no longer trigger those same feelings. Without a deeper connection, that initial spark can burn out fast.
Resources Can Be Lost
Then there’s the question of resources. We live in an unpredictable world, and financial stability is not always permanent. The partner who seemed like a provider and a pillar of security could face job loss, financial instability, or career changes. If your relationship is built on the idea of one partner being a breadwinner or offering security, what happens when that security vanishes? Does the love weaken alongside it? This scenario is all too real for many couples who face financial hardships and find their relationship cracks under pressure.
—In Love with Myself
A good way to think about relationships that are built on resources is to imagine this: the person isn’t so much in love with their partner, but rather, with the version of themselves they can be because of their partner’s resources. The luxury, the social status, the lifestyle—all of it shapes their sense of identity. They’re not in love with the person, but with the life that person enables. When the resources fade, so does the idealized version of themselves.
Romanticized Stability
We like to believe love can survive anything, but the truth is, that physical and material changes can shake the very foundation of a relationship. If the connection was built on these fragile pillars, the cracks would eventually show. The reality is that sex and resources, while essential in certain phases of a relationship, are inherently fleeting. Love based solely on these things is destined to be tested.
So, where does that leave us? When the cues we use to identify love begin to falter, does the relationship crumble along with them? It’s a sobering thought, but one that forces us to question the depth and sustainability of our partnerships. Are we building on solid ground, or are we laying the groundwork for future disappointment?
What We Should Be Looking For
Now that we've explored the fleeting nature of sex and resources, it's time to ask the deeper question: What should we really be looking for in a partner?
If physical attraction and financial stability are destined to wane, what qualities form the bedrock of a truly lasting relationship? The answer lies beyond the surface-level cues of attraction and lifestyle.
Emotional Connection
A relationship grounded in emotional intimacy is more likely to endure life’s inevitable changes. Mutual understanding, deep communication, and vulnerability form the foundation of a connection that isn’t easily shaken. When physical attraction dims or financial stability wavers, couples who share an emotional bond have the tools to weather those storms together. It’s about more than just liking how someone looks or what they can offer—it’s about genuinely understanding and supporting who they are.
Shared Values and Goals
Another key to lasting relationships is aligning values and long-term goals. Physical attraction might spark the flame, but shared values are what keep it burning. When couples share a vision for their future—whether it’s building a family, pursuing similar career aspirations, or even having aligned views on social and moral issues—they’re more likely to remain connected despite external changes. A relationship rooted in common beliefs fosters growth, not division, even when challenges arise.
Mutual Respect and Growth
Respect is a non-negotiable foundation in any partnership. But respect goes beyond being kind or polite—it’s about honoring your partner’s individuality and supporting their personal growth. Long-lasting relationships are those where each partner feels free to grow and evolve without fear of being left behind. The ability to grow individually while still growing together is a hallmark of a healthy relationship. Without it, you risk one person outgrowing the other.
Companionship Over Lust
While sexual attraction may initially pull people together, companionship keeps them together. The day-to-day life you build with someone—how you communicate, spend time, and solve problems—forms the core of a meaningful partnership. It’s not just about passion; it’s about enjoying each other’s company and finding peace in the quiet moments. When the initial spark fades, companionship endures.
So, what should we be looking for? Emotional depth, shared values, mutual respect, and companionship—these are the pillars of a relationship that usually withstand the test of time. They’re the things that remain when the physical attraction fades or resources dwindle. They’re not flashy or sexy, but maybe, just maybe, that’s the secret to finding a relationship that lasts.
Sincerely,
Adam
